


even the losers (get lucky sometimes)

by Missy



Category: Laverne & Shirley (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Cunnilingus, F/M, Hand Jobs, Masturbation, Pining, Public Masturbation, Secret Relationship, Semi-Public Sex, Voyeurism, Workplace Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:41:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23276479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missy/pseuds/Missy
Summary: Alter-canon for "Once Upon a Rumor."  Lenny does witness something interesting going on in the break room - but Squiggy's  fixed more than Shirley's zipper.
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s), Shirley Feeney/Andrew "Squiggy" Squiggman
Comments: 29
Kudos: 7





	even the losers (get lucky sometimes)

The moaning’s what drew Lenny to the doorway. It was a nice kind of moaning – not the bad kind that portended pain. Part of it was his natural tendency to gossip and busybody out of curiosity – but the other part was that he absolutely certain he knew who was moaning.

Carefully, he pressed open the door to the break room and peered around the frame. Lenny wasn’t entirely sure what he’d expected to see, upon later reflection.

What he witnessed wasn’t what he’d dared to anticipate. The sight of Shirley Feeney’s petite and entirely nude body laying sprawled out on top of Squiggy’s coveralls – her index finger stuffed between her teeth – on a table in the break room was a total shock. Lenny choked back a blush – barely – as his eyes strolled down her nude form from rose-dotted cheeks to pale pink nipples held between her flexed fingers. Her other, better mysteries were covered by a neat bun of dark brown hair and his best friend’s face darting intensely to and fro between her thighs.

A hundred different thoughts raced through Lenny’s simple mind. That Shirley was a little wilder than he thought she was. That Squig was a lucky, sly dog. That he’d taught Squiggy that move and he was doing it wrong.

Lenny watched with his jaw on the floor as Shirley stifled her sounds behind a single finger. After a few minutes Shirley’s hand clutched at the back of Squiggy’s head and she began to ripple, her body moving up and down against his mouth. This was unexpectedly sexy. Lenny never thought of Shirley as sexy – not when Laverne was there, being all tanned and fun and tall and amazing…But in any event, Shirley was pretty and cute, but, unless Squiggy indicated, off limits even to Lenny’s imagination. That was all right. He liked Laverne better, anyway. Shirley was more like the mom he’d never had – not even before she’d hurt and abandoned him at five.

She definitely didn’t look like a mom as she grabbed Squiggy’s head and ground herself shamelessly against his tongue. Lenny could feel his blush disappearing and the heat of his shame pooling somewhere more interesting with every flick of Squiggy’s tongue.

He unzipped his coveralls and jeans, and then pulled his hard cock from his fly. This was filthy, even by Lenny’s standards; worse, if someone caught him playing with himself out in the open he could be fired. But he and Squiggy had shared girls before; this was the same thing – sort of. Though he had a feeling Squig would punch him if he knew Lenny was peeping in on this particular intimate moment.

Shirley’s mouth fell open and she made a series of kittenish whimpers, her short, pale legs kicking over their heads. When she came she made a soft, halting sound, one that was almost pained, and her ripples turned to hard, sharp jerking motions, her legs working in tight pulses.

Lenny’s fingers moved faster against his own cock as Shirley twitched and recovered. Then she sat up and met Squiggy’s mouth with her own. As they made out, she instinctively tried to pull him up and over her on the table. To Lenny’s surprise, it was Squiggy who pushed her away.

“No,” he said. “We ain’t going all the way the first time here. Or anywhere, except for our niptual bed.”

Shirley nodded, pressing a hand to her flushed cheeks. “You have…an effect on me, Andrew.”

“Yeah, well, you got one on me.” He grabbed her hand and placed it over the crotch of his jeans. “It’s crazy, being the one with morals in the room. I blame society, Shirley Wilhelmina Feeney-Squiggman…”

Lenny’s crazily pounding heart calmed when Shirley said, “you have NOT made that official yet.”

“Yeah, well, maybe so. But gimmie a little time.” 

“I know, you want to get your knife sharpening business off the ground, so you can support me. We’ve had this conversation multiple times…”

“So we ain’t having it again. Besides, you’re the one who oughta be in charge, when your hands ain’t going a million miles an hour.”

Shirley flushed. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s come over me.”

He leered at her. “Gimmie a second and it’ll be me.”

She shot him a frown. Her hand had frozen over the crotch of his jeans. “Andrew, while I do what to give you…?”

“It’s a schlong,” Squiggy told her, and then he shimmied his jeans down and pulled himself free of his boxers. He then placed her fingers around his dick. “There ain’t no way to give a handjob wrong unless you pull it off.”

“Ahh,” she said. “Well, never let it be said I don’t believe in applied learning...”

Shirley’s fingers were light and loose around the heft of Squiggy’s cock. Gently, he reached down and readjusted her grip. “Like this,” he said.

“All right,” she echoed, and squeezed him more firmly. He began to whine and squirm, so she kissed him, probably to shut him up. Her hand moved faster, and she sat, crossed her legs, somehow looking demure in her total nudity.

Lenny thought to himself that he really should’ve tried to get off while Squig was eating Shirley out. The sight of Squig getting a handjob was not only anathema to his sense of pleasure, he’d also seen it happen a million times. Lenny knew from experience that he did love the little guy, but he didn’t _love_ him.

So he did what every man who has yearned for an orgasm did when faced with such a difficult choice – he stared at Shirley, her nude form, her interested face and her small smile – and pretended she was jerking him off. Soon enough her pursed lips turned into an overbite, and her ivory skin bronze. Her blue eyes were green…

When Squiggy let out a muffled groan, Lenny whined between his teeth. His eyes closed, fantasy taking him the rest of the way there. He managed not to say Laverne’s name out loud as he came, but couldn’t stop himself from sliding down the wall and landing behind-first on the parquet floor – or coming against the wall, little while threads that told all about his misadventure.

When sanity returned, Lenny quickly rubbed the wall clean with his handkerchief, shoved himself back into his boxers and jeans, zipped his coveralls and tried to look inconspicuous in case anyone came along.

By the time he peeked back into the room, Squiggy was helping Shirley back into her skirt, and she’d already donned her bra again. Squiggy had his jeans back up, and he was trying to check the seam on his coveralls as he shimmied back into them.

“Ain’t no two ways about it, Shirley,” Squiggy said. “You’re gonna come down the aisle wearing white, just like you told me you want.”

She gave him a smile. “Thank you for respecting my needs, Andrew.” She started buttoning her blouse.

“Sure. Just as long as you don’t care about wearing off-white gloves.”

She elbowed him for that comment.

“Sure, beat me for my troubles! Take the pleasure of my flesh without standing by me in public…”

Lenny felt a little better, knowing he wasn’t the only one being kept in the dark. “Andrew, you know why I haven’t told Laverne?”

“Why?” he asked.

“Because she’s going to start up a fuss. ‘You complained about all of my sailors and you’re dating Squiggy? Whatta load of balloon juice!’” Lenny had to admit Shirley’s Laverne impression was pretty accurate. “And it’s not that I don’t want to tell her. I’m looking for the right opportunity to do it.”

“What about your mother?” Squiggy had hopped into his coveralls and zipped them - now he was combing his hair. 

“I’m telling her tomorrow during our phone call. At least she won’t be able to judge me in person.”

“At least you got a mother to judge you.”

She pecked his cheek. “Andrew, do you know something?”

“What?”

“I’m only here because I’m crazy about you.”

“I know. Y’don’t need to power my bottom.”

“Why haven’t you told Lenny?” she asked, tucking her blouse into her skirt. She was getting her smock back on – Lenny knew he had to beat a hasty retreat before he was caught, but wanted to know the truth.

Squiggy squirmed. “It’s different with him! You don’t understand the ways of fellas, Shirl.”

“I suppose not,” she said.

“Besides, if he told him he’d blab it all over the place,” Squiggy said, fixing his hair with the comb. “I love the man like a brother, but I’d tell him and two minutes later it’d be on the Texaco station wall. And no one gossips about Andrew Squiggman’s woman.”

Lenny flushed at that little declaration. Well, if that was what they really thought, he wasn’t gonna tell anyone nothing!

With that, Lenny determinedly stalked off. 

He was going to go find Laverne.

After all, in a world where Squiggy could be Shirley’s Mister Right, maybe even a loser like him could get lucky.


End file.
